Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
