Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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