Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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