I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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