I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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