Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
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