kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
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Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
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If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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