tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize