I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
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MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
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A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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