two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
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She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
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He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
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