Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize