I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize