onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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