You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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