Tap Here to view the Mobile Optimized TFLN
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Randomize
Follow @tfln