Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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