I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize