Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
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I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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