just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
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