Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
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I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
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What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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