I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
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I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
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The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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