My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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