i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Floor bacon is actually really good
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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