How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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