my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
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