I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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