someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
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toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
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I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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