someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
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Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
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After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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