He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
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Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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