I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
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I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
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did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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