Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
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He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
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How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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