This girl is more easily done than said...
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
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I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
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how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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