Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
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They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
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I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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