I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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