i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
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I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
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We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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