you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
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He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
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I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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