On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
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Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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