I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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