Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
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He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
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I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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