Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
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I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
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I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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