Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize