dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
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Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
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I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
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