that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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