You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
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There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
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You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
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