rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize