he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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