If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize