Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
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Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
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Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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