Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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