thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
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Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
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